It’s a daily struggle
I struggle with posting about dealing with my grief, part of me says these are quilty people, they don’t want to hear it and another part says, these are also my friends who care about me and how I’m doing.
Well if you’re still with me now, I’ll tell you how I’m doing. I’m struggling.
I spent ten days with family and friends celebrating my nephew’s wedding in Colorado. Five days in Colorado and 5 days in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. It was a lovely time with a lot of laughter and a few tears. The wedding was beautiful in a refurbished barn – straight out of Pinterest! The bride and groom were beautiful and handsome as were the attendants. I was thrown for a loop when I looked at the program and they had a “in memory of” section with Tom’s name there. I just didn’t expect that and the tears came. Then hearing loving vows so close to what would have been our 35th wedding anniversary, I lost it again. At least at a wedding you don’t get odd looks when you cry. I am so grateful that my son came with me to the wedding and that Tim and Chris were there with me. I spent a good deal of time hanging out with my niece Amy and her fiance John and my nephew Jeremy and his girlfriend Karen. Awesome “kids” who made the trip a lot of fun.
The problem was when I came home. After spending all that time with family, I came home to an empty house. So quiet. No one to talk to. And the weather hasn’t helped, nothing but grey skies and rain. Talk about depressing. I’m trying to keep busy because then I don’t think so much, but at some point you have to stop and rest and then it starts. I realize all that I need to do, the decisions I have to make on my own and how much, how very much I miss him. Life without him is so very hard. And I don’t want to burden anyone with my pain so I keep it to myself. My sister-in-law Christine is out of the country so I’m missing my daily calls from her, she always has encouraging words for me and I know she understands my pain.
So I’m writing here, in hopes that it helps me with my struggle. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for “listening”. I’m not sure I feel better, but I certainly couldn’t feel worse.
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